Bridging the gap between awareness and integration

So many times I have heard myself and others say “self-awareness is a blessing and a curse”. At least when we are ignorant to our patterns and sabotaging behaviour we numb out to the reality of the destruction we create, live in denial of the collateral damage that follows and continue to experience the illusionary “pay offs” of our actions.

But when we start to dig deeper and do the “work”, we start to see where our patterns stem from and we understand the internal processes behind those patterns. That awareness is a sign of emotional intelligence, a willingness to evolve and become healthier versions of ourselves. Self-responsibility is not the easy path – it is sticky, uncomfortable and means we take full ownership over our lives and how we respond to our experiences. Epiphanies are insightful, sometimes awakening and they give us hope of a way forward.

 What resembles a “curse” is witnessing ourselves play out old patterns and feeling powerless over them. Knowing we are responsible for who we allow into our lives and letting people we know are harmful into our energy anyway. Knowing a habit is not beneficial to our well-being but watching ourselves engage in that habit like we are watching a movie; we are the main character self-destructing and we watch as if we don’t know how it ends in regret and disappointment each time. Einstein says insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So if we are aware of the result that continually plays out as a consequence of whatever unhealthy experience we are creating over and over, what part of us IS expecting a different ending? Imagine an alcoholic walking into a bar telling themselves this time will be different, they will only have a couple of beers, maybe only one, and the night will be enjoyable. Even if this person has repeatedly lived experience of having no control over their addiction and knows the shame that follows his not at all enjoyable night, after just one more, after turning to another addiction since the drink didn’t hit the spot after all, after spending all their money, after losing their dignity, there is still a part of them powerful enough to convince them that this time WILL end up different. WHY? Hopium.

 Hopium is the chemical that gives us hope the pay off will be worth it. It can convince us that when we want to change our state – for example if we feel depressed and want to feel happy – this unhealthy behaviour we have analysed and intellectually know is unhelpful, will make us feel better. It will alchemise our way of being into a preferred state. And maybe for a moment it does. We talk to the person who is bad for us, we feel better for a moment. We scroll on Instagram and it offers a slice of distraction. We purchase a new pair of shoes, or three, online and receive a buzz, convinced for a minute that these new shoes will be the happiness we have been waiting for.

 Or maybe we do resist, we don’t engage. And then we feel the resistance rising up as that part screams out. We feel like we then have to stay in the state we want to change. We feel like it is not fair we don’t experience any pay off. Where is our reward for being “good”?  We know the behaviour we are abstaining from is for our highest good. But instead we feel bored, depressed, lonely…. “self-awareness is a curse”.

 The solution: it is not a simple one. Our brains are wired for reward and knows when we engage in that unhealthy action we get a little dopamine hit as a recompense. This is true from laying in bed instead of participating in a nourishing morning routine to taking drugs instead of going to therapy or going for a run or journaling about what’s going on underneath.

 Self-responsibility means we are accountable not only for what we do and avoid doing, but also for creating new programs. That means integrating the knowing we have worked hard to obtain about our patterns. We begin to change the way we speak to ourselves, we begin to treat ourselves differently in the moments we can. We begin to watch the old programs play out without judgment and instead with curiosity and acceptance. This may sound like justification or permission to continue unhealthy habits. But it is a method to produce long-term recalibration of both our nervous system and neural pathways. We will always want to reach for the path of least resistance even if this doesn’t make sense to our logical part. The part that is wired for reward will drive 10 miles for a bottle of wine but reaching for a notepad and pen will feel like mission impossible. It’s the path of least resistance to grab for that reward. It is hopium doing its job. That 10 mile car journey is gripping onto wishful thinking, imagining that cosy, tipsy feeling.

 Integration happens when we accept that part of us instead of rejecting it. Instead of abandoning our logical self and reaching for an unhealthy coping mechanism, instead of abandoning the part that wants us to feel better when we are in distress, we allow all parts to be witnessed. Maybe you do still engage, but you watch the movie with curiosity, you know where it will take you and instead of impending doom or denial you notice. You begin to watch your programming play out with inquisitive witness.

As you apply this compassionate response to your behaviours, you see it is true, you are powerless over this repetitive self-destruction. You no longer blame or beat yourself up. You stop blaming your circumstance or any external factors. Self-responsibility means inclusivity. You don’t only recognise your unhealthy patterns, you notice what IS working for you, what positive changes you have made. By shifting your focus to your wins instead of all or nothing thinking, you begin to reparent the parts that learnt to cope in survival mode.

You let that part know you’re in this together. You both want the same result – to feel better. Maybe you need to allow yourself to crumble a little bit more, maybe this is the day you have enough self-compassion to choose a different narrative for yourself – the path of least resistance has pivoted in your favour. Either way, try to watch from a place of detachment. You’re going to do what you are going to do anyway. You might as well treat yourself nicely through it. As I said this is the long-term method. It works. Overtime.

Integration happens when we let go of needing to feel better in the way we think we should. We do not have to sit in despair because we have given up a coping mechanism and turning to a healthy choice feels overwhelming and too much and then fall into a guilt/shame trap. That doesn’t serve us.

We can repeatedly honour our journey, remember we are worthy, tell ourselves over and over and over we are forgiven, we are doing the best we can; we can praise ourselves for the helpful choices we do make. As we start to create a healthy relationship with self, we naturally begin to treat ourselves better. We make choices that serve us. When sat in discomfort we offer ourselves validation, we acknowledge the darkness. Over time this kindness is the key to rewiring our brains. Neuroplasticity means our brains are plastic – they CAN change. If we punish and berate ourselves for the patterns we don’t like, we may obtain temporary abstinence. But shame is only a temporary motivation. Ultimately, if we are to transform the way we live, the choices we regularly make, we have to choose acceptance and compassion.

There is no quick fix. But there is now, and you can only meet yourself where you’re at now. This is self-preservation not selfishness. By activating your compassionate inner voice, you will have more patience to extend this kindness to those around you. You will create a life in alignment with your true values. If you are trying to get out of repetitive cycles and have done the inner work to appreciate your patterns, then the next step is to witness with curiosity when your patterns do play out. Self-responsibility is not self-criticism, it is letting life unfold while taking back your power by rewriting your inner narrative.

 Don’t give up on yourself. Integration happens over time, and right now you can choose to offer yourself kindness. That is how we bridge the gap between awareness and integration. We release expectations. Self-awareness is not a curse; shame, guilt and fear is the curse. We can choose to begin operating from the opposite: self-compassion and forgiveness. Out of this, genuine hope will rise. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Sanity is repeatedly practising acceptance, remaining in the present moment, and trusting the outcome will be beneficial.